Call for stingrays to put down barbs and talk

Aside from an American economy that is in meltdown, the Great Obama is going to have a fair few overseas problems to deal with. Obviously, there is the perpetually bloodthirsty and increasingly tiresome 'Our God Says We're Right' lot in Israel/Palestine. Then Iraq to extricate himself from. And Afghanistan to pour more troops into - there's a good idea - and a whole host of other vexing issues from the collapse of Britain to Vladimir Putin's cagey hydrocarbon chess games. At some point he'll have to put up with the insufferable Carla Bruni and her slimy dwarf of a husband poking around the White House too. Bet she 'sings' one of her interminable and godawful 'songs' too. Puke.

Anyway.

In Australia, we know deep down that we don't really rate that high on the international scale. Perhaps if we had the baws to declare ourselves a Republic, or sign a treaty with our indigenous people, Obama might think about heading Down Under for the occasion. Aside from that, we're a long, long way down the to-do list.

Which is a shame, because we need Obama's gravitas and ability to bridge the gap in the increasingly vicious stingray insurgency that's taking place in our waters. Now I'm a typical pinko commie liberal type who can understand, if not sympathise, with the stingray's arguments. Yes, for decades we've polluted their environment and mercilessly slain them with big nets and the like.

Hands up Australia: the stingrays are entitled to defend themselves against attack and we've been the historical agressors in this conflict.

But I think the organisation and effectiveness of the stingray resistance has caught us all by surprise. They are using classic guerilla tactics, striking and fleeing, going for high-profile targets like footballers.

The stingray high command knows the impact of their textbook 'spectacular' that took out Steve Irwin will never fade from the Australian psyche. All they have to do is hit a relatively well-known sportsman, or celeb, every few months and the terror grips our nation's very soul once again. Which national treasure could be next? Gretel Kileen? Jennifer Hawkins? Rove - gulp - McManus?

But I say to the stingrays put down your barbs. We are making progress. Look: when one of your cartilage-based cousins the sharks attacks us, we say we don't want it hunted. We harass the Japanese about hunting the whales. We are becoming better at dealing with the sea, and its myriad finny denizens.

This peace process won't come easily, I know that. The road will be hard and steep and strewn with many obstacles. But together we can surmount them and live as two people in one sea, humans and stingrays, washed by the waves of mutual respect and balmed by the salt of understanding.

Mr President, make it happen.