Sharks - lift your game

After this blog snared the world exclusive about the stingray jihad against Australia, I thought it was time that I addressed the frankly disgusting and unAustralian behaviour of our sharks.

The sharks have been attacking us with some regularity of late.

And it's just not on.

Why can't the sharks be more like the crocodiles, which have the pleasing tendency to only attack tourists? I fully support this behaviour from the great green dinosaurs.

If Pommy backpackers think they can come over here and take our lowly-paid call centre jobs and steal our sunburn, then they've got to accept that any moment a 15 foot long scaly escapee from the Jurassic era might seize them in its bone-crushing jaws, before taking them on a terrifying death roll and then leaving their broken corpse underneath a submerged log in order to putrefy for a few weeks before consuming them in huge barbaric gulps.

That's why I reckon that salt water crocodiles should be introduced to places like Bondi Beach and St Kilda where tourists congregate.

That's one Peter Garrett should be getting onto pronto.

Anyway, we have laws protecting the biggest and meanest of the sharks like the Great Whites. And whenever one of them attacks somebody, we always say things like "Yeah, nah, look, Darren wouldn't want the shark killed, he knew he was in it's environment."

So lift your bloody game and stop attacking us sharks. I appreciate you have to eat. It's pretty much all you do, apart from occasionally menacing underwater cameras and stuff.

But we bring enough tourists to our beaches.

If the crocodiles can content themselves with foreign fare, then you can too, finny denizens of the deep.